The ENM Toolkit: Books, Blogs, and Communities to Support Your Journey
Why Finding the Right Ethical Non-Monogamy Resources Matters
Ethical non-monogamy resources are essential for anyone exploring consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships. Having access to quality information and support can make the difference between confusion and confidence as you steer your journey.
Top categories of ENM resources include:
- Books: Foundational guides like The Ethical Slut and Polysecure offer practical advice.
- Podcasts: Audio content covering relationship skills, personal stories, and expert interviews.
- Workshops: Training for communication skills and trauma-informed practices.
- Communities: Online groups and organizations providing advocacy and peer support.
- Therapy: Professional guidance from ENM-affirming therapists.
Consensual non-monogamy is more common than you might think. A 2021 study found that 1 in 6 people (16.8%) desire to engage in polyamory, and 1 in 9 (10.7%) have already tried it. Another study found that about 21% of people in the US have engaged in some form of CNM. Despite this, many struggle to find non-judgmental support.
Fortunately, the landscape has changed. Where resources were once scarce, a wealth of books, podcasts, blogs, and specialized therapists are now available. The challenge is no longer finding resources, but finding the right ones for you. This guide cuts through the noise to highlight the most valuable, community-vetted resources for your ENM journey.
What is Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?
If you're exploring ethical non-monogamy resources, it helps to start with a clear understanding of what ENM means.
Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM), or Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM), is an umbrella term for relationships where everyone involved knowingly agrees to have romantic or sexual connections with multiple people. Unlike cheating, which involves secrecy and broken trust, ENM is built on consent, communication, and honesty.
ENM is more common than many realize. A 2021 study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that 1 in 6 people desire to practice polyamory, and 1 in 9 have already tried it. Research also shows that people in CNM relationships report similar levels of relationship satisfaction and well-being as monogamous couples. The difference isn't in quality, but in structure.
Practicing ENM can lead to personal growth, better communication skills, and a greater sense of authenticity. However, it also comes with challenges. Navigating societal judgment (mononormativity), managing jealousy, and the emotional labor of multiple relationships require significant effort and maturity.
Understanding the landscape of ENM means getting familiar with its various forms. Here's how some of the most common structures compare:
| Relationship Type | Emotional Connection | Sexual Openness | Structure & Focus |
|---|---|---|---|
| Polyamory | Multiple, deep romantic connections | Open | Multiple loving, committed relationships. Can be hierarchical or non-hierarchical. |
| Open Relationships | Primary emotional bond, others casual | Open | One primary emotional/romantic relationship, with sexual connections outside. |
| Swinging | Primary emotional bond, others casual | Open (often partner-swapping) | Couples engaging in sexual activities with other couples or individuals. |
| Relationship Anarchy | Fluid, based on individual desire | Fluid | Rejects traditional relationship norms and hierarchies, prioritizing autonomy. |
| Monogamish | Primary emotional bond | Limited, specific exceptions | Mostly monogamous, with agreed-upon, occasional sexual exceptions. |
| Polyfidelity | Multiple, deep romantic connections | Closed to outside | A closed group of three or more people who are all committed to each other. |
Key Types of ENM Structures
Understanding these distinctions is crucial as you explore ethical non-monogamy resources and figure out what might work for you.
Polyamory ("many loves") involves having multiple romantic relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. These relationships can be hierarchical, with a primary partnership and other secondary relationships, or non-hierarchical, where all relationships are valued without ranking. Solo polyamory is a style where an individual maintains their autonomy, choosing not to couple up in traditional ways (like cohabitating) while still nurturing multiple loving connections.
Open relationships typically involve a committed couple who allows for sexual connections with others, while the primary emotional bond remains between them. The focus is on sexual openness rather than forming deep emotional intimacy with others.
Monogamish describes couples who are mostly monogamous but have agreed upon specific, occasional exceptions for outside sexual activity, such as a threesome or encounters while traveling.
Swinging is often a recreational activity where couples engage in sexual activities with other couples or individuals, usually with an emphasis on shared sexual exploration rather than emotional connection.
Relationship anarchy is a philosophy that rejects societal rules and hierarchies for relationships. It prioritizes individual autonomy, and each connection is defined by the people in it, rather than by predetermined labels like "partner" or "friend."
Each structure requires different skills and agreements. Access to quality ethical non-monogamy resources can help you steer your path with clarity.
The Essential ENM Bookshelf: Foundational Reading
When exploring ethical non-monogamy, books offer a chance to sit with complex ideas and work through exercises at your own pace. They provide frameworks for communication, real-life stories, and practical advice to help you build a solid foundation for a healthy non-monogamous lifestyle.
Foundational Guides and Practical Advice
The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton is often called the "Poly Bible." For over two decades, it has helped people explore sexuality and relationships with consciousness and ethics. The third edition is updated with modern perspectives, including discussions on asexuality and LGBTQ terminology.
Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino offers a clear-eyed look at different open relationship styles. It explores both the benefits and challenges, with strategies for dealing with jealousy, negotiating boundaries, and even navigating parenting in open relationships.
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory contains frameworks that some find useful, particularly around communication. However, it's important to know that one of the authors, Franklin Veaux, has faced accusations of behaving in ways that contradict the book's principles. If you read it, engage with the content critically.
For a neurobiology-informed approach, Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships by Kate Loree offers strategies rooted in how our brains work. It's a valuable resource for understanding how attachment styles influence conflict in open relationships, helping you work with your nervous system.
Understanding Attachment, Trauma, and Jealousy
Your early life experiences shape how you connect in adult relationships. Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern is essential reading on this topic. Fern, a psychotherapist, explains how attachment styles impact our ability to form secure relationships in ENM and provides strategies for building security across multiple partnerships.
The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix is a refreshingly honest primer on how non-monogamy interacts with mental health, particularly anxiety. It offers insights into the internal work required to practice ENM sustainably and shows that anxiety doesn't make ENM impossible, but it does require specific tools and self-awareness.
Understanding your personal history is key to a healthy ENM journey. For more personalized support, you can explore ethical non-monogamy and polyamory with a professional.
Top 5 must-read ENM books to start your journey:
- The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
- Polysecure by Jessica Fern
- Opening Up by Tristan Taormino
- The Anxious Person's Guide to Non-Monogamy by Lola Phoenix
- Open Deeply by Kate Loree
A Curated List of Digital Ethical Non-Monogamy Resources
While books provide a solid foundation, digital ethical non-monogamy resources offer real-time conversations and diverse voices. Podcasts, blogs, and online communities are accessible ways to learn on your own schedule and hear from a wide range of perspectives.
Top Podcasts for Your ENM Journey
Podcasts offer an intimate and current look into ENM. Some popular choices include:
- Multiamory: A long-running show offering advice for all relationship styles, with helpful "relationship fundamentals" episodes for newcomers.
- Savage Lovecast: Hosted by columnist Dan Savage, this podcast offers no-nonsense advice on the full spectrum of sexuality and relationships.
- Normalizing Non-Monogamy: Features interviews with guests from across the relationship spectrum, working to destigmatize ENM through open dialogue.
- Polycurious: Explores why polyamory isn't for everyone by interviewing people who tried it and decided it wasn't their path, offering a crucial and often-missing perspective.
You can find these and other ENM-related podcasts on major platforms by searching for terms like "polyamory" or "open relationships."
Essential Blogs, Workshops, and Communities
Beyond audio, a whole ecosystem of digital support exists. Look for online workshops that offer deep dives into specific skills like communication, boundary setting, and trauma-informed practices for ENM relationships.
Blogs and social media accounts offer evolving conversations and lived experiences. For example, Leanne Yau's Instagram account, Polyphilia, provides actionable advice on managing jealousy and improving communication in bite-sized posts.
Community organizations provide structure and advocacy. The OPEN resource hub (Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-Monogamy) offers educational tools and works to advance rights and acceptance for non-monogamous families. Their site also has guidance for starting local community meetups.
Sometimes, you need more than information—you need professional support. Finding a polyamory therapist who affirms your relationship structure can be transformative. At Kinder Mind, our therapists provide a safe space to explore what works for you without judgment.
Navigating the Journey: Core Skills for Successful ENM
Ethical non-monogamy resources can give you frameworks, but the real work happens in your day-to-day interactions. Successful ENM is built on core skills like communication, boundary setting, and emotional regulation. Developing these skills fosters personal growth and helps you steer the beautiful complexities of loving multiple people. These fundamentals are also emphasized in other communities focused on consent and dialogue, such as those exploring BDSM, kink, and alternative sex culture.
Communication, Boundaries, and Agreements
Open and honest communication is the bedrock of ENM. Frameworks like Nonviolent Communication can help you express needs and feelings without blame. The book Nonviolent Communication is a highly recommended resource. Many ENM practitioners also use regular check-ins to discuss feelings and adjust agreements before small issues become big problems.
Boundaries are about self-protection, not controlling your partners. They should be clear, mutually agreed upon, and open to renegotiation. Agreements are the explicit, collaborative decisions you make about how your relationships will function, covering everything from safe sex practices to how much information is shared between partners.
Managing Jealousy and Cultivating Compersion
Jealousy is a normal emotion in ENM. The key is to reframe it as a signal rather than a failure. Research suggests jealousy often points to an unmet need or an underlying fear, like abandonment or inadequacy. Getting curious about the root cause of your jealousy transforms it from an enemy into a teacher.
Developing self-soothing techniques like mindfulness or journaling can help you regulate intense emotions when they arise. On the other side of jealousy is compersion, which research defines as the joy you feel for a partner's happiness in another relationship. While not everyone experiences it, cultivating compersion can deepen trust and love. For help navigating these complex emotions, poly therapy for jealousy can provide valuable tools.
Practical and Social Considerations
ENM requires thoughtful attention to practical realities. Time management becomes crucial, often involving shared calendars and intentional scheduling to ensure all partners feel valued. Open conversations about financial planning and shared expenses are also necessary to prevent resentment.
For those with children, parenting in ENM requires extra care to ensure a stable and loving environment. Coming out to friends and family is a personal choice based on your safety and comfort. Finally, be aware of legal and social challenges, as ENM relationships often lack legal recognition. Advocacy groups like OPEN are working to change this, but it remains a real concern for many.
Frequently Asked Questions about Ethical Non-Monogamy
What is the difference between polyamory and an open relationship?
This is a common question when people first explore ethical non-monogamy resources. The main difference lies in the focus on emotional versus sexual connections.
Polyamory (from "many loves") centers on having multiple loving, romantic, and committed relationships simultaneously. Emotional intimacy is a key component of each partnership.
Open relationships typically describe a primary couple that remains each other's main emotional focus but agrees to allow sexual connections with other people. These outside connections are usually casual or sexual in nature, without the expectation of developing into deep romantic partnerships.
Is ethical non-monogamy a sign of an unhealthy relationship?
No. This is a persistent myth rooted in the societal assumption that monogamy is the only healthy option (mononormativity). Research consistently shows that people in ENM relationships report similar levels of satisfaction, trust, and commitment as their monogamous counterparts. A 2007 study on relationship quality found no inherent disadvantage to consensual non-monogamy.
Relationship health is determined by strong communication, clear boundaries, and mutual respect—not the relationship structure itself. Any relationship, monogamous or not, can be unhealthy if those elements are missing.
How do I know if ENM is right for me?
This question requires honest self-reflection. Start by examining your motivations. Are you genuinely drawn to the idea of multiple connections, or are you hoping ENM will fix existing problems in a relationship? ENM is not a band-aid; it requires a strong foundation to succeed.
Consider your emotional capacity for the communication and self-awareness these relationships demand. Reflect on your personal values around love and commitment. If you're in a relationship, this conversation requires great care and should come from a place of curiosity, not as an ultimatum.
Exploring these questions with a professional can be incredibly helpful. Counseling for polyamory exploration provides a safe, non-judgmental space to dig into your motivations and assess your readiness with a therapist who understands non-traditional relationships.
Your Journey, Your Way
Exploring ethical non-monogamy is not a one-size-fits-all experience. Your path will look different from anyone else's, shaped by your unique desires, relationship history, and personal values. What matters most is that you're making conscious choices that feel authentic to you.
The ethical non-monogamy resources we've covered—books that challenge conventional relationship thinking, podcasts that share real stories, workshops that build practical skills, and communities that offer understanding—are all here to support you. They're tools, not prescriptions. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and remember that education is an ongoing process, not a destination.
This journey requires something monogamy doesn't always demand: constant self-awareness and strong communication skills. You'll need to check in with yourself regularly, asking hard questions about your feelings, boundaries, and needs. You'll have conversations that feel vulnerable and scary. You'll probably stumble sometimes, and that's okay. Growth happens in the messy middle, not just in the Instagram-perfect moments.
The reality is that navigating ENM can bring up unexpected emotions, from jealousy you didn't know was there to joy you never imagined feeling about a partner's happiness with someone else. It challenges assumptions about love, commitment, and what relationships "should" look like. That's why having support matters so much.
At Kinder Mind, our therapists understand that relationship structures exist on a spectrum, and there's no single "right" way to love or connect. We provide a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your feelings about ENM, whether you're just curious, actively practicing it, or working through challenges that have come up along the way. Our accessible, in-person and virtual mental health therapy services meet you where you are, helping you build the communication skills, emotional regulation, and self-awareness that make any relationship—monogamous or not—thrive.
You deserve support that understands your journey. Get support with couples therapy and explore what's possible when you have the right guidance.
