Is Discernment Counseling Right for You? Find Out Here
Considering Discernment Counseling? Here's What You Need to Know
Discernment counseling is a type of therapy designed to help couples at a crossroad in their relationship. If you're feeling stuck and don't know whether to stay in your marriage or seek a divorce, discernment counseling offers a structured way to explore your options with clarity and confidence.
Quick Overview:
Purpose: Make an informed decision about your marriage.
Who It's For: Couples with one partner leaning toward leaving and the other wanting to stay.
Session Structure: Up to five sessions, combining individual and couple time.
Not Suitable When: One partner has already decided on divorce, coercion exists, or there is danger of domestic violence.
Discernment counseling does not focus on solving marital problems but rather on determining if those problems can be solved. By doing so, it helps couples make a thoughtful decision regarding the future of their marriage.
I'm Dr. Elizabeth Barlow, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and founder of Kinder Mind. My expertise in discernment counseling stems from years of helping couples steer these challenging decisions to find the best path forward.
What is Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is a specialized form of therapy aimed at helping couples decide the future of their marriage. Developed by Dr. William Doherty, a Family Social Science professor at the University of Minnesota, this approach targets couples where one partner is "leaning out" of the relationship while the other is "leaning in."
Purpose of Discernment Counseling
Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which focuses on fixing relationship issues, discernment counseling is all about decision-making. The goal is not to solve marital problems but to help couples understand whether those problems can be solved together. This therapy provides a structured setting for couples to:
Gain clarity about their relationship.
Make an informed decision about staying married or divorcing.
Understand each partner's perspective on the marriage and divorce.
Decision-Making Process
The decision-making process in discernment counseling is nuanced. Dr. Doherty realized that many couples contemplating divorce are "mixed-agenda" couples, meaning one partner is unsure while the other is more decisive. This dynamic can make traditional counseling less effective.
In discernment counseling sessions, the focus is on understanding three potential paths:
Maintaining the Status Quo: Keeping the marriage as it is.
Separation or Divorce: Deciding to part ways.
Six-Month Commitment: Committing to six months of intensive couples therapy to work on the marriage.
Leaning Out vs. Leaning In
In many cases, one partner is "leaning out," considering divorce, while the other is "leaning in," hoping to save the marriage. This imbalance can create a lot of tension and confusion. Discernment counseling helps both partners:
Leaning Out Partner: Understand their doubts and concerns.
Leaning In Partner: Express their hopes and willingness to work on the relationship.
By addressing these different perspectives, discernment counseling provides a balanced approach to decision-making.
Dr. William Doherty's Contribution
Dr. William Doherty's work in developing discernment counseling has been invaluable. He collaborated with divorce lawyers and a family court judge to understand the dynamics of couples on the brink of divorce. His research identified the need for a therapy that helps couples decide their next steps rather than diving straight into problem-solving.
Discernment counseling has proven effective for many couples, whether they decide to stay together or separate. It provides the clarity and perspective needed to make a well-informed decision, reducing the emotional and logistical turmoil often associated with divorce.
In the next section, we'll explore the specific goals of discernment counseling and how it differs from other forms of therapy.
Goals of Discernment Counseling
Discernment counseling aims to help couples gain clarity and make informed decisions about their relationship. Unlike traditional marriage counseling, which focuses on resolving issues, discernment counseling focuses on deciding the future of the marriage. Here are the primary goals:
Clarity and Informed Decisions
The main goal is to help couples achieve clarity about their relationship. Couples often feel stuck, unsure whether to stay together or separate. Discernment counseling provides a structured environment to explore these feelings. By the end of the process, couples should feel more confident in their decision, whether it's to work on the marriage or to move towards separation.
Three Potential Paths
During discernment counseling, couples consider three main options:
Maintaining the Status Quo: Deciding to keep the marriage as it is, without making any immediate changes.
Separation or Divorce: Choosing to end the marriage and move towards a legal separation or divorce.
Six-Month Commitment: Agreeing to commit to six months of intensive couples therapy to work on the relationship.
Status Quo
Sometimes, couples may decide to maintain the current state of their marriage. This path allows them to continue their relationship without making any immediate decisions. It provides time to reflect and consider their options further.
Separation
For some couples, separation or divorce may be the best option. Discernment counseling helps them understand this path and prepare for it. The counselor provides guidance on how to steer the emotional and logistical challenges of separation.
Six-Month Commitment
Another option is to commit to six months of intensive couples therapy. This commitment allows couples to work on their issues with the goal of strengthening their relationship. It's a focused effort to see if the marriage can be saved.
Couples Therapy
If couples choose the six-month commitment, they enter a phase of intensive couples therapy. This therapy focuses on addressing the issues identified during discernment counseling. The goal is to see if the marriage can be restored to health.
Leaning Out vs. Leaning In
Discernment counseling recognizes the dynamic where one partner is "leaning out" while the other is "leaning in." This imbalance can create tension and confusion. The counselor helps both partners understand their roles and contributions to the relationship.
Leaning Out Partner: This partner is considering divorce and has doubts about the relationship. Discernment counseling helps them explore these doubts and understand their feelings.
Leaning In Partner: This partner wants to save the marriage and is willing to work on the relationship. The counselor helps them express their hopes and efforts constructively.
Balanced Approach
By addressing the different perspectives of each partner, discernment counseling provides a balanced approach to decision-making. The counselor treats both partners with compassion and respect, ensuring that both voices are heard.
In the next section, we'll dig into the structure of discernment counseling sessions and how they are designed to facilitate these goals.
Structure of Discernment Counseling Sessions
Discernment counseling is structured to provide clarity and direction for couples unsure about the future of their marriage. Here’s how it works:
Individual Conversations
Each session includes one-on-one conversations with the counselor. This is crucial because partners often start from different places emotionally—one might be "leaning out" while the other is "leaning in." Individual time allows each person to voice their thoughts and feelings without interruption.
Couple Sessions
Besides individual time, there are also joint sessions. These are designed to bring both partners together to discuss their perspectives. The counselor facilitates these conversations to ensure they are productive and respectful.
Session Length
First Session: Usually lasts about two hours. This extended time helps set the stage for the counseling process.
Subsequent Sessions: Typically 1.5 to 2 hours each. This allows enough time for both individual and couple discussions.
Decision Each Session
At the end of each session, couples make a decision about their next steps. This could be:
Continuing with another session.
Deciding to move towards separation.
Committing to couples therapy.
Up to Five Sessions
Discernment counseling is a short-term process, with a maximum of five sessions. This time limit helps keep the focus on making a clear and informed decision quickly.
The next section will explore who can benefit from discernment counseling and who might find it unsuitable.
Who Can Benefit from Discernment Counseling?
Discernment counseling is designed for couples in a very specific situation. Let's break down who can benefit the most from this type of counseling.
Leaning Out Spouse
The "leaning out" spouse is uncertain about staying in the marriage. They might be considering divorce but haven't made a final decision yet. This ambivalence is common, and discernment counseling offers a safe space to explore their feelings without pressure to commit to couples therapy.
Leaning In Spouse
On the other hand, the "leaning in" spouse wants to save the marriage and is usually more eager to try therapy. They are hopeful that counseling can help resolve issues and improve the relationship. Discernment counseling supports them emotionally while respecting their partner's uncertainty.
Ambivalence
Ambivalence in a marriage can be draining. One partner is unsure about staying, while the other wants to work things out. This mixed-agenda scenario is where discernment counseling shines. It accepts this uncertainty instead of trying to force a quick decision.
Mixed-Agenda Couples
Couples with mixed agendas—one leaning in and one leaning out—often find traditional couples therapy ineffective. Discernment counseling is custom for these couples. It provides a structured way to explore their options, helping them move towards clarity and a mutual decision.
Emotional Support
Both partners receive emotional support custom to their specific needs. The leaning out spouse gets help understanding their ambivalence, while the leaning in spouse receives support for their desire to save the marriage. This balanced approach ensures that both partners feel heard and respected.
Discernment counseling isn't about solving marital problems but about deciding whether to address them together or part ways. It’s a unique approach that meets each partner where they are emotionally, offering a path to clarity and confidence in their decision.
Next, we'll discuss when discernment counseling might not be the best option.
When is Discernment Counseling Not Suitable?
While discernment counseling can be incredibly helpful for many couples, there are certain situations where it might not be the right fit. Let's explore these scenarios.
Final Decision to Divorce
If one spouse has already made a final decision to divorce, discernment counseling is not suitable. This type of counseling is designed for couples who are still undecided about the future of their marriage. If one partner is firm on ending the relationship, discernment counseling won't be effective.
Coercion
Discernment counseling should be a voluntary process. If one spouse is coercing the other to participate, it's not appropriate. Both partners need to be willing to engage in the process without feeling pressured or manipulated.
Domestic Violence
Safety is paramount. Discernment counseling is not suitable in situations where there is a danger of domestic violence. Couples experiencing violence need specialized support to address safety concerns first. Counseling in these cases should focus on ensuring the safety and well-being of the individuals involved.
Court Orders
If there is an active Order of Protection from the court, discernment counseling is not a viable option. Legal restrictions and safety concerns take precedence, and couples in these situations should seek appropriate legal and therapeutic support custom to their circumstances.
Discernment counseling is designed to help couples steer uncertainty and make informed decisions. However, it requires both partners to be somewhat open to exploring their options. In cases where one partner has already decided to divorce, or where safety and coercion are issues, alternative forms of support are necessary.
Next, we'll address some frequently asked questions about discernment counseling.
Frequently Asked Questions about Discernment Counseling
What is a discernment session?
A discernment session is a structured meeting with a counselor where couples discuss their relationship's future. The session includes both individual conversations and couple time.
Individual conversations are crucial because each partner often starts from a different place. One may be "leaning out" of the relationship, while the other is "leaning in."
During couple time, the counselor helps both partners see their contributions to the relationship's problems and possible solutions. The goal is not to fix the issues but to decide if they are fixable.
The counselor respects each person's feelings and reasons for considering divorce, creating a safe space for honest dialogue.
Who created discernment counseling?
Discernment counseling was created by Dr. William Doherty, a professor in the Department of Family Social Science at the University of Minnesota.
Dr. Doherty saw a need for a type of counseling that helps couples where one partner is unsure about staying in the marriage. His approach focuses on understanding the relationship's complexities and making informed decisions.
What are the goals of discernment counseling?
The primary goals of discernment counseling are clarity and confident decision-making. Couples explore three possible paths:
Maintain the Status Quo: Continue the marriage as it is.
Move Toward Separation: Start the process of divorce.
Six-Month Commitment: Agree to work on the marriage for six months through couples therapy.
The idea is to gain a deeper understanding of the relationship and decide the best path forward. The counselor helps each partner see their role in the relationship's problems and potential solutions, which is valuable even if the couple decides to separate.
Discernment counseling is not about solving marital issues but about determining whether they can be solved. It provides a structured way to steer the uncertainty and make informed decisions about the future of the marriage.
Conclusion
At Kinder Mind, we understand that making decisions about your marriage can be incredibly challenging. That's why we offer discernment counseling as part of our comprehensive online therapy services.
Why Choose Kinder Mind?
Accessibility: Accessing therapy should be easy and stress-free. With our virtual tele-health services, you can connect with skilled professionals from the comfort of your home.
In-Network Insurance: We work with major insurance companies to help reduce your out-of-pocket costs. If insurance is not an option for you, we offer affordable pricing and sliding scale fees.
Skilled Providers: Our therapists are licensed and experienced in a variety of specialties, including couples therapy, anxiety, depression, and more. This ensures that you receive the best care custom to your unique needs.
Various Therapy Needs
Whether you are looking to explore the future of your marriage through discernment counseling or need support for other mental health issues, Kinder Mind has you covered. Our diverse range of therapy modalities ensures a personalized approach to your mental wellness.
Don't let uncertainty hold you back. Explore our couples therapy services and take the first step toward clarity and confident decision-making today.
